Destiny, John, is a Fickle Bitch

Okay, so maybe my last entry was a little depressing. Truth is, I’ve been a little depressed lately. It took making myself sick in Tena to allow myself to admit: I’ve been depressed. And I’m okay with that. In fact, isn’t it a right of passage in the Peace Corps, to go through the U-Curve and be a little depressed and culture-shocky for a while before rising up, phoenix-like, stronger than before and able to deal with anything life hands you?

Yeah, I’m choosing to look at it like that. Phoenix Sarah. That’s me.

And it’s ending, because the truth is, life is about to get a whole lot better really soon, and really fast. At the moment I’m still in my house in LV, spending my days alone and marginally crazy, but yes! September, the month of change and awesomeness, is in a few days. And then…

I found an apartment! And it’s been approved! It’s amazing and I love it and I want to give it kisses and snuggles. It is in Patate, perched on the roof of a three story building overlooking the beautiful central park, which means that I will have the whole roof to myself, which also means that I will be able to eat/lay in my hammock/write/watch tv on my laptop/do yoga/mediate/ do anything I freaking want to outside, without anyone being able to see me or stare at me or anything! I am right near the internet café, the central park, the weekly market, G and G’s house (the lovely family who has kept me sane here), the bus stop, the bakery, everything. There is even a gym in Patate, but I have to check it out, because it’s probably pretty skanky.

I will still try and do work in my current community, but there is no reason for me to live here. In fact, it’s even detrimental to my other work, considering how hard it is to get to town and how expensive it is to get a car back. In Patate, there is even talk of my working with women’s groups on things like food production and family gardens, among the million other possibilities that will open up to me once I live there.

Though part of me does feel bad, with thoughts like, “if I had just stuck it out a little bit longer, could I really have integrated? Could I have made this village my own, been accepted into the community, done some real good?” but then I realize that I’ve been giving it my all for four months with no success, and honestly, my mental health needs this. I need this. And even though, or especially because, I’m in the Peace Corps, far from home trying to do some good in this world, I need to come first. This will make me happy. I need this.

(On a side note: I discovered the other day that no one has been visiting me, and simply staring at me from the end of my path, because my landlord has been telling them that they are not allowed to come to my house for any reason! That no one but his family can visit me! I’m heard some really not-nice things about my landlord. I’ve tried to correct this prohibition, but still…chalk it up to one more reason to hightail it out of here.)

So, the apartment is still being fixed up, and will hopefully be ready just in time for the fiestas de cantonizacion in Patate, the festival of the founding of the town. It’s a really big deal, and I think that there will be parades and fireworks. One more great thing about September.

More good September news: On the 7th there is a graduate school fair for international studies in Quito that I’m going to try and go to. Schools like Harvard and Georgetown will be represented, and I’m really excited and curious to hear about what kind of programs and job opportunities are out there for someone who wants to spend their whole life traveling. I still have Goucher’s nonfiction writing MFA as my first choice, but it’s nice to have an open mind.

Also: Reconnect! Sadly, not with the whole Omnibus, but it will be a fun week in Rio Bamba nonetheless.

Also: School starts! Enter Sarah: English teacher of small children (made all the more interesting/scary by the fact that I don’t really like small children), agricultural helper of high schoolers and an elementary ecological club, working side by side with teachers, doctors, Red Cross volunteers, missionaries, and guitar-playing nuns. Life is going to be interesting.

Also: It will be only three months until I go home for Christmas, and I will be able to finally buy my plane ticket and have a set date!

Three cheers for September!

God, I need this.

In other news, when I wasn’t sick, Tena was awesome. What a great cluster. Dan and Laurel = my heroes. Sarah K’s puppy = adorable. The weather = heaven. The city = clean and beautiful.

We went caving at Sarah K’s site. Headlamps, swimming through underground pools and climbing up underground waterfalls, bats flitting about overhead, the air cool and damp: it was an adventure. At one point as we moved onward, Sarah K paused and looked at a massive heap of rocks, musing: “hmmm, that wasn’t there the other day. It looks a whole section of the ceiling just caved in.”

To which we all replied: “WHAT????”

She said: “You guys want to keep going down this way?”

“HELL NO!”

So we went down another “arm” of the caves, one that tourists don’t usually go down, and it wasn’t until we had climbed up a steep, slippery hill to stand on a large plateau that Sarah K said: “Oh yeah, these are the spider caves. There are SO MANY down here. And they are super poisonous too. Kind of spider-scorpions. But spiders. Big ones. Really big. Huge.”

And then, shining a light on the wall, Mike goes: “Oh yeah. Here’s one.”

Dan: “Wow, I can see it from all the way over here.”

Mike: “Here’s another one. And another. Here’s one. Here’s one. Here’s one.”

Someone else: “Wow, there are like ten spiders on that wall alone.”

Me: (Hyperventilating) Have I mentioned that I have really bad arachnophobia?

Sarah K: Okay, now everyone turn out your headlamps and let’s stand in the dark! I want to tell a story.

Me: (Hyperventilating) Have I mentioned that I have really bad arachnophobia?!!!

Everyone: Oh, come on, it’s okay, they’re all the way over on that wall, they’re more scared of you than you are of them, we’ll only be in the dark for a second, etc etc…

Me: (Hyperventilating) HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HAVE REALLY BAD ARACHNOPHOBIA?????

In the end (and I’m so proud of myself) I turned off my headlamp and stood in the dark, though I have to admit I was prancing around like a nervous horse, lifting my feet in a strange kind of dance to discourage any large spider-scorpions from mistaking my leg for a stalagmite. And I got through it! I’ve come a long, long way from how bad this fear used to be. However, it didn’t help that as we walked back Mike kept looking around and saying, “There’s one, there’s one…”

So I survived the spider caves! I am a brave warrior.

I think that is the theme of this entry: I am a brave warrior. Brave, brave, brave warrior.

One final note: I never mean to upset or scare anyone with these blog entries. Please, my loving family and friends, be assured that I am safe and taking very good care of myself. I am in no danger, not in my site or anywhere in Ecuador. Please, don’t take my rants as a reason to worry about me. I am a brave warrior.

That being said, it’s nice to know that people love me enough to worry. I’m deeply sorry for causing you anxiety, Uncle Charlie, and I hope to see you and the whole family at Christmas. I love you.

I love all of you.